Genres: Horror, Thriller
Runtime: 90 minutes
Artists International Inc.
Online since: February 20th, 2006
Review done by: Gruesome Griffon
Starring: Tom Savini, Martin Schiff, Damien Luvara, Jamie McCoy
Directed by: Tor A. Ramsey
Story: On the request of his father, Matthew goes to a sleepy rural town
to oversee the construction of a newly acquired property. What he doesn't
know until it is too late is the site is an old cemetery. And the current
tenants aren’t too happy about relocating.
What’s the easiest way to make a crap sandwich? Just slide this film
between 2 slices of bread. The movie begins with an obvious rip off of the
redneck hunting scene in Dawn of the Dead. As if picking the bones of a
genre classic isn't bad enough, Tom Savini plays a wife-beater wearing ex-
cop who is his own one man clean & sweep team spouting nuggets of
dialog like “Zombies don’t take to kids” and (once finding the kids) “I hope
these are normal kids”. Those of you whom idolize Mr. Savini need not
worry: he exits the picture after 14 minutes of zombie ass kicking. Some
zombie named Abbott Hayes appears and kills Tom, but the police are
convinced the town is now a zombie free zone. Once our supposed hero
dies, the movie switches gears and moves ahead 14 years later. The
exposition is left to 4 teens off to see a concert (probably a Journey
concert) in their VW van to set this story into motion.
The teens recount the evil serial murder/rapist Abbott Hayes who
apparently was killed in prison many years ago. However, the demonic Mr.
Hayes’ body mysteriously vanished from the morgue and local legend says
he still lurks around the sleepy nowhereville rural town in Pennsylvania. Of
course, the teens have to take a pee break at the Hayes household where
they use the convenient grave of Abbott’s mom as a urinal. Well, Abbott
takes his horrific revenge as he steps in front of their speedy vehicle and
the teens Wylie Coyote off a suddenly present cliff. Abbott appears after
the kids have had their funeral and reanimates them with a bite. The movie
plows forward with a title card proclaiming “Next Year”. Now we get to the
plot listed on the back of the DVD case. Matthew comes rolling into town to
take a look at the big opportunity given to him by his father.
He soon discovers his father’s nefarious scheme to relocate the cemetery
corpses to make way for his dad’s auto mall. By the way, the cemetery is
part of a larger property once owned by (insert drum roll) THE HAYES
FAMILY (insert dramatic music here)! And then…never mind. If you have
guessed this convoluted plot doesn't get any clearer, you win a gold star.
Apparently, Abbott spends his time assembling his zombie army to attack
the interlopers, although why he waited 14 years to start his cult is a
mystery. I guess he was content as long as the humans stayed out of his
yard and stopped urinating on his mother’s tombstone. Also, in 14 years
his bulbous zombie head has grown twice the original size and resembles
the goblin king in Quest for the Egg Salad. Oh, and he managed to get a
If you haven’t broken your personal record for saying “WTF?” by the time
they get to the climactic scene of zombies versus construction workers at
the diner, I’d be surprised. This movie blows with hurricane strength. And
it doesn't help that the crappy actors are bogged down with crappier audio
dialog replacement weaving in and out of the flick. The thing that really irks
me is that the distributors intentionally tried to tie the movie in with
Romero’s dead trilogy; even going so far as to make the tagline “They’re
walking again…” Children of the Living Dead is a film destined for oblivion.
This is 90 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. You have been