Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue, Edi Gathegi, Tom
Atkins, Kevin Tighe, Megan Boone

Directed by: Patrick Lussier

Story: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the
Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a
homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the
murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he's
innocent.



Review:

First things first, I just wanted to apologize for putting out this review so late.
I'm sure most of you out there reading this have already seen the film. It took
me a while to write it because I had very mixed feelings about it, and it was
hard for me to put my thoughts down in writing. After going over the countless
reviews online and asking friends, I have my review for "My Bloody Valentine
3D." From the director of such awesome films as "Prophecy III," "Dracula 2000"
and "White Noise 2" comes a modern day take on the 1981 slasher flick (I hope
you got the sarcasm there). It's essentially an homage to the cheesy 80's
slasher film. It didn't feel that way to me. It felt more like your average horror
remake; Which is what we've been seeing a lot of lately. All this was missing
was Rob Zombie. He probably would have screwed this up even more. If you've
seen one modern day slasher film then you've seen them all. "My Bloody
Valentine 3D" continues the time honored tradition of gratuitous sex, violence
and fun to a certain degree.

Tom (Ackles) returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the
Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. That night Harry
Warden barely made it out of the mines alive, and was locked in a coma. When
Harry woke up, he killed everyone in his path. Leaving the hospital a bloody
mess. Harry had ripped apart his victims and placed their hearts in little heart
shaped candy boxes. After killing a few kids in the mine where he worked, he
was shot to death by the police, and was presumed dead. Tom barely survived
that night, and left to only return ten years later. Instead of a homecoming,
however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing more murders as the
legend of Harry Warden is coming back to life. More kids are getting killed, and
Tom is the prime suspect. The only one who seems to believe his innocence is
his old love interest. Who could be killing these kids? Is Harry Warden back to
extract his revenge on the town? Or is it some crazy douche bag trying to
make a name for himself?

This film marks the rebirth of the 3D horror film (sorry but "Night of the Living
Dead 3D" doesn't count. That was garbage). This was a popular trend back in
the 1980's where they released horror sequels in three dimensions. We've seen
Jaws in 3D, and now it's time to see Harry Warden and his pick axe in glorious
Real-D. What I love most about this is the fact that it is a 3D horror movie
which supposedly uses new technology. For a modern picture, I expected the
3D to be a little more advanced. This Real-D junk is the same exact gimmick
originally used with the red and blue paper glasses. The tricks are almost the
same. I personally believe that 3D effects work best in animated movies. I was
blown away when I saw Monster House in Real-D. The 3D effects looked
gorgeous and was a perfect fit for the film. Live action 3D movies just don't
work the same way. The opening preview for "Coraline" looked better in 3D
than this did.

My Bloody Valentine doesn't offer much new to the genre other than the return
of 3D effects. It's sad because it would be nothing without the marketing
gimmick. If you had the choice to see this movie in regular or Real-D form, see
it in Real-D because that's what the catch is. If you're willing to pay that much
for a full priced ticket, you'll might as well spend an extra buck or two for the
Elvis Costello glasses. The 3D effects are a hit and miss. Mostly because it gets
old really quickly. Think about it, there are only a few ways you can kill someone
with a pick axe. Some of the
"in your face" 3D effects work really well, while
others looked way too cartoonish. The blurred backgrounds and animated
characters didn't help the illusion. I spent more time adjusting my glasses than
actually caring for the characters. Another thing that was a hit and miss was
the acting. I had no problem with the script, but some of the acting was
dreadful. So dreadful that it made the audience burst out in laughter as did I.

The performances are mild; even from lead actor Jensen Ackles (who stars in
my favorite tv show "Supernatural") and Tom Atkins of "Night of the Creeps"
fame. It's been more than twenty years, could these writers have come up with
smart characters for once? Seriously, why do these guys continue to write such
lousy buffoons into these stories? It's ridiculous. These characters trip on their
own feet way too much. I loved the death scenes, but I had just as much fun
laughing at the characters who got the pick axe to the face. As much as I love
female nudity, the one sex scene in the film showed off a little too much. It's a
possibility that co-writer Todd Farmer (who was responsible for Jason X) wrote
a sex scene for himself. Of all the actors in this picture, he seemed to have the
most fun. I just hope to god I never see his bare white ass again. I'm surprised
the 3D snagglepuss made it past the MPAA too. If you think that's odd, the
nudity drags on for about five minutes.

It's three hundred seconds of a woman walking outside in public with no
clothes on; trying desperately to hide from the killer. Was it too hard to put
some pants on before walking out in public? That whole segment was way too
much. It's too much 3D vagina for me. I've spoken pretty harshly on the film
so far, but don't get me wrong. I did find it to be decent. As I said before I
loved the death scenes. That's actually the best part of the movie. Lionsgate
and Paramount did the right thing by releasing this with an R rating. A three
dimensional PG-13 horror film would have been no fun at all. Gore hounds will
be pleased with the decent amount of blood and gore. Some of the chunks
even fly close to the screen, giving the illusion that you might get hit with it.
It's fun stuff. One of the things that I also enjoyed was the story. Even if
you've seen the original film, you will be surprised because the story in this
version is very different. The ending is also different, even though most of it is
predictable and makes little to no sense.

The changes made from the original movie felt right. The way the story unfolds
is pretty good, but the reveal at the end could have been way better. Overall, I
thought "My Bloody Valentine 3D" was fairly decent. I liked the story and I
loved the violence, but the acting was horrible and the 3D effects were a hit and
miss. It's exactly what you would expect from a modern day slasher film. I've
already written a review for the original film, and it's no surprise that this one
fails in comparison. Even with the Real-D technology, the original is still far
superior. If you've never seen the original 1981 film, then you're in luck
because its been re-released by Paramount and Lionsgate. It contains the gory
footage that was cut out in order to get the R rating. It's more gruesome than
ever. If you're a gore hound then there's no excuse for you not to have it. You
can check out my review for the Special Edition DVD
here. You have to pick this
sucker up.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall: 6 out of 10
Genres: Horror, Thriller,
Remake

Rated: R

Country: USA

Year: 2009

Runtime: 101 minutes

Studio:
Paramount/Lionsgate
Review done by: Nightmare Child
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