Genres: Drama, Fantasy,
Runtime: 122 minutes
Studio: Goldcrest Pictures
Review done by: Serial McKiller
Online since: February 20th, 2006
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Nikki
Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Synopsis: A teenage girl risks everything when she falls in love with a
Hey kids, have you had a bum week? Something getting you down and you
need a real pick me up? Well then grab some good friends and head to the
cinema this weekend for the comedy event of the year, "Twilight". I don't
think there's been a straight comedy this year that I've laughed in more than
this. Not "Tropic Thunder" or "Pineapple Express" or even "Burn After
Reading". The international phenomenon book series that desperately wants
to meet on the same platform as J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" books, yet will
have to settle for a level under that. This lands squarely between "Eragon"
and the general fiction romance novels. First and foremost, "Twilight" is a love
story. A painfully long and painfully uninteresting one. Kristen Stewart plays
Bella, who goes up to Forks Washington to stay with her father for a few
months as she's not seen him in years.
Her mother and step father are going off for his baseball training. While there
she'll attend school, meet new people that all want to meet her because she's
new to the town and everyone knows it...all the time...which is apparently
normal. Anyways she meets alot of kids and eventually meets Edward Cullen
played by model/singer/actor/vanillia face Robert Pattinson. Edward is odd as
he seems to stare off at people...mainly her from across the room or parking
lot, or corner of her room while she's sleeping. Any red flags going off yet?
After about an hour of this cat and mouse 'who are you really' stuff, we get
into the meat and potatoes of it all. As for ideas of vampire-ism I do think
author Stephine Meyers did a good job of making these vampires interesting
in their post modern lives. As for director Catherine Hardwicke ('Thirteen',
'Lords of Dogtown' and 'The Nativity Story') she fails to make any of them
Well not in a way that might compliment the ideals they choose to follow. For
example, the only way I could describe the look of Dr. Carlisle Cullen is that
he resembles the adult male form of Eric Bana's seaman. Or Emmet Cullen
who looks like a half breed of John Cena and Donkey Kong. As for Edward
and Bella, she seems to take this whole vampire thing pretty well and they
roll through all the love they could possibly have. Sadly for them this doesn't
last and we meet three other vampires. One of them a master hunter who's
been going around town killing for food for months. Now the action heats up
with several horrible blur effects for super speed running cut with
"Smallville"-like slow motion pauses that aren't nearly as cheesy when Tom
Welling does it. Then there's tons more awful CGI by...and this is a surprise,
ILM. Mixed with just poorly directed character interactions and a most boring
and dim-witted screenplay.
I'm not a fan of the book and with our screening tonight I was around four
fans and all of them laughed at the lunacy of this junk. And really it's hard
not to. The jokes were flying from the "Sanford & Son" truck Bella is given to
Pattinson's emo-tastic stares off into space in which he looks like he's holding
in a one hundred year old fart. The dialgoue sounds like it was written for
Christopher Walken as it's all within his acting style as far as speaking.
Incomplete sentences and changing tone in mid talk. Which for him is terrific,
but here it's a bit weird and funny. I mean you will seriously have the time of
your life laughing it up here. At the same time I was fully impressed with the
lightening and photography. It was all atmospheric as well as eye catching.
And Carter Burwell's few score cues were impressive as well.
The shame is that while I wasn't going into this hoping for good (actually it
was the exact opposite of that), but that they still manage to never make
them feel loving or interesting in a relationship. Just as the villain of the film
James, never feels bad or tough or any of the things he's said to be. There's
never a real sense danger coming from him or his posse. At the end of the
day it doesn't matter what I or anyone says about "Twilight" right now.
Because this weekend it's going to do gang busters...but after that will be a
different story. As bad as this all is, it's not 100% terrible. But it is funny and
it's not intentional, but not horrid. It's just a big romance that's not romantic
enough beyond something on "One Tree Hill". It's not exciting and not
engrossing. But it can be funny if you let it.